Dogs formally demand the right to vote, citing "years of electoral influence through strategic barking"
WASHINGTON — In what legal scholars are describing as "unprecedented, bizarre, and frankly impressive," a bipartisan group of dogs filed a 400-page brief with the Federal Elections Commission demanding the right to vote in all future municipal, state, and federal elections. The dogs, represented by attorney Douglas P. Whelk, argued that their consistent attendance at polling locations — where they waited outside tied to parking meters — constituted a form of participation that has long gone uncompensated. "My clients have been sitting in the rain for decades," said Whelk. "The least we can do is hand them a ballot."
The FEC released a brief statement saying it was "reviewing the filing carefully," though an unnamed staffer was overheard whispering that no one had any idea what to do. Political scientists at Georgetown University convened an emergency symposium, during which a visiting professor from Oslo accidentally proved, using game theory, that golden retrievers may have already influenced three midterm elections by "generating enthusiasm near campaign offices." The professor was immediately offered tenure.
In a related development, a border collie named Crispin announced his candidacy for mayor of Albuquerque, New Mexico, running on a platform of expanded park hours, the immediate abolition of the mailman, and what his campaign website described only as "more."
Crispin's polling numbers have risen twelve points since he chased a squirrel at a campaign rally in a manner described by attendees as "extremely relatable." His opponent, a three-term incumbent human, has so far declined to debate him, citing scheduling conflicts that Crispin's campaign manager called "suspicious and cowardly."
Meanwhile, an independent investigation into the world's largest dog biscuit, unveiled last Thursday in a Topeka warehouse, has raised more questions than answers. The biscuit, which measures 14 feet in diameter and reportedly smells of beef and "mild ambition," was constructed over eighteen months by a retired aerospace engineer who refused to say why. Scientists from three universities are studying the biscuit's structural integrity, and at least one dachshund was found inside it, reportedly having tunneled in sometime Wednesday night. Authorities said he appeared "very satisfied."
The week's events concluded with a press conference at which a Jack Russell terrier named Ptolemy barked continuously for eleven minutes at what experts could only determine was a ceiling fan.
A linguist from MIT, analyzing the recording, said that while the barking contained "no discernible semantic content," it did follow a consistent rhythmic structure that bore a striking resemblance to iambic pentameter. Ptolemy declined to comment further and immediately fell asleep on a pile of clean laundry. Experts called it a powerful statement.